Smitten Kitten

Got whiskers?

23 Feb

From a year ago…

“I want to travel the corners of the world. Err, scratch that. Corners of the world sounds like the places people barely go to when they travel. I’m a mainstream girl, and honestly, I want to go where the wave usually is. I want to go back to the States and stay there for at least an entire month. Ideally, on my own so no one will bother me. So I can pretend as if I have all the opportunities in the world to let my faltering spirit wander a little and then revive itself completely and hopefully be able to set itself on an altogether different path. 

I want to see what’s out there, and not be limited to the structures that make up what’s currently real for me. I want to expand my territory a little more. Play around the field and touch textures that aren’t always available to me. I want to meet new people who are not like me or the ones I know. I want to speak in a language I’m not used to. Yes, I want to feel a stronger rush of the wind and allow it to just blow me away even if my hair gets all tangled up. (Ha, as if they’re not tangled enough as I do not condition or comb it every morning.)

I want to buy a lot of things, too. People think it’s a shallow thing to have desires compelled by materialism. But my motivation isn’t exactly just that as you can see. I want new, shinier things because what I want seem to escape the palm of my hands. I want things I can grasp when I want to, and not evade me like I’m some kind of contagious disease. I want sparkly things because they distract me from the sight of a desire that’s becoming a bit more hopeless everyday.

I want to run. I want to feel like my body’s burning, not only the calories and fats I wish would leave me, but my soul that’s becoming blithe. I want speed and agility because, right now, static is all there is to it. I want my feet to run on solid ground and be able to hear fast-paced footsteps that I believe I can make. I want to get wet in my own sweat, and not in somebody else’s. Basically, I just want to run away from all that’s been following me and exhausting me. I want to be exhausted out of my own will and not because I’m running around in circles like a tiger trapped in a zoo cage.

I want to see a different light. One that shines so brightly I will stop wandering in the darkness. It’s a shame actually because I’ve claimed almost a million times to have found it already, and yet here I am, going against it. And I’m sorry, really. I wish I were a little more complying and a little less resisting. But the battle lies in my heart and I won’t try denying it anymore. I want that glorious sunlight. I want it to reflect against my hair and reveal a deeper brown than its natural shade. I guess that’s also my way of saying I want to shine and have greater glow. One that even I haven’t seen myself emanate for the longest time.

I want to smell something different. Not the lasting smell of smoke I try hard to cover with perfume, or the pleasurable aroma of food that instantly awakens the glutton in me. Nope. I want to take a whiff of air that smells like fresh water so I can (pretend to) renew myself at the very least. I want a new scent to stick to my body and claim it as my own signature so people can start identifying me with something more fierce and wonderful.

I WANT TO BE TAKEN AWAY. Oh please, please send me a plane so I can leave now and be so faraway. From you and from all of the things that keep me here—all those that hold me back. I want to be set free in a place that doesn’t remind me of you. I want to discover a new life because the one I’m trying to live right now doesn’t seem to work out anymore. And yes, I want to put an end to you. And that’s all there is to it.”

(Source: denisecua.livejournal.com)

  1. longbeans said: haha your wanderlust seems to only get stronger :)
  2. myelectricfeel said: This is really REALLY good :)
  3. denisecua posted this